it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You Might Also Like
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
respect
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.