My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.