Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.