As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The USS B port
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.