Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.