@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

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@meantomyself

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

@mrjohndarby

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

@caithuls

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

@carlyken

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

@permawedgie

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@blahdevivre

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

@PoodleSnarf

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication