I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it


me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?


YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you


Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


[Michael Bay directing]
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play


Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?


Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication