I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
You Might Also Like
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
The news in a nutshell.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.