You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.