Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
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how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.