Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
🤣😈🤣
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.