[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I’m too immature for adultery.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.