I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
congratulations to them
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
How animals would run if they were human
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.