My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
based al yankovic
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.