If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house