Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me