Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
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Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.