MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
You Might Also Like
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries