If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton