Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.