Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler