Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
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I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.