Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
tinder is all about the long game
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.