Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do