I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.