[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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I have never related to a cat more
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.