I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat