Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.