Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway