my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien