Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?