I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Hey I worked for it too!
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.