the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
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My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Happens to everyone.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking