if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
This a good idea
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
She was REALLY feeling it.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?