3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts