Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Guilty! 🤪
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now