Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
put ‘er there pardner!
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.