I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Oh hi lol
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I saw this ending much differently.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.