“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
You are what you delete.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.