“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.