Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
just got my engagement photos
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him