[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no