馃槀
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
me: my mom鈥檚 here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i鈥檝e pretty much known her my whole life
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I鈥檓 having a garage sale & hope people I鈥檝e borrowed things from don鈥檛 come.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you鈥檙e fired
I鈥檓 sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they鈥檙e from me.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don鈥檛 like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I deleted all my dating apps and I鈥檓 planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don鈥檛 please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I鈥檓 not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I鈥橫 STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON鈥橳 YOU LOVE MEEE?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked