Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
turning my gender off to conserve energy
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.