*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Nice try, NASA
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?