*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.