Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine