Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
You Might Also Like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back