you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Does it…does it take 3 days
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse