Rich people don’t understand cereal
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When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot