Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You Might Also Like
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.