Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
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I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Who says great literature is dead?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.