Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.