Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.